SEBASTIAN

I drive. I drive in search of you. I drive to forget you. Most of my passengers don’t speak. Silence is both a miracle and a plague. Both holy and evil.

I don’t speak either.

It is what it is.

One morning, I had a passenger who had eyes like you. They were brown swirled with cinnamon. I didn’t believe she was you, but I hoped.

I try. I try to forget you. My heart hurts. When I think about you, it aches. You once told me, “Sebastian, you’re too dramatic”. But now, you’re gone.

And the world is empty.

My sentences are short because I don’t know the language. I know grief is a language all its own – one I am fluent in. You spoke much better than me. I have pain I cannot find words for.

This country was your home. I live in this foreign land, hoping to find you everywhere I look. You are nowhere.

I am nobody in love with a ghost.

Photo via cottonbro studio

I think about your calling me dramatic and picture an actor on a stage. Life is a tragedy with no direction. Grief is a rock in my stomach that weighs more than love ever did. Love was buoyancy and lightness. Levity and joyousness. A balloon. Not a stone.

All of my clocks are stuck on the date I lost you, Annalise, February 10, 2020. It was a Monday.

Lunedí – that’s how you say Monday in my language. It sounds like sadness and eyelashes frozen with tears. But you can’t hear my voice. I wish I knew how to reset my clocks, so they, too, would remain frozen at 6:28, but they press onward.

And I know you would tell me to move on too, but I can’t.

Moving on means forgetting.

I refuse to forget you, Annalise.

You’re in every flower I pick, every passenger I drive to their mundane lives, every song lyric I hear, every tattoo I ink into my skin.

You are everywhere and nowhere all at once.

I guess this is what love means.

My heart belonging to a ghost for all eternity.

Photo via Zarina Khalilova

ANNALISE

Sebastian, Sebastian, I hear you cry my name in the middle of the night when everyone else sleeps. Your tongue lazy with exhaustion, thick with the fumbling of foreign vowels and consonants, the words you have struggled with for six-and-a-half years.

I know you don’t blame me for being gone, but I feel like a ghost, the way my memory haunts you. I watch you toss and turn at night, dear Sebastian. I see how you refuse to take our pictures off the walls. You haven’t yet made peace with my absence, but I am gone now and you have to let me go.

Photo via Marina Utrabo

You still sleep with my pillow and I have heard you say it still smells of my shampoo, but Sebastian, dear Sebastian, the years press on and you must let go.

You look so aimless since I’ve been gone, wandering around this city, your eyes wide as you take everything – and nothing – in all at once. I want to apologize to you over and over, but I’ve done nothing wrong.

I was walking late at night, I’ll admit that. It was dark out, yes, and my coat, too, was black, but Sebastian, I was in a crosswalk, I had the right of way.

I know you’re not from here, my love, but it was a red light, that didn’t mean for that driver to speed up, you’ve driven in the city before, you know that means to slow, to stop. She hurried, thinking she could beat the light; instead, it was my body she beat, merciless, as metal against flesh often is.

Sebastian, dear Sebastian, please just let me go.

end.

Isabelle Palerma

---

This short story is entirely my own content – no A.I. used to create this.