poetry writing

Nostomania: a Poem

“A deep longing for home — not just as a place, but as a feeling.”

This rampant desire seizes a deep part of me
like breath
(nearly as important as the inhalation/exhalation
my lungs have been known to practice daily).

I have searched for belonging in places,
in persons unfamiliar as though the answers
would simply arrive.
I grew up in a house that was beautiful,
but I felt like I was sleeping in hotel paper.

I have sought something deeper
than the flimsy doilies and brocade curtains.
Something I could place more value in
than porcelain dolls purchased for me
(without a single consideration
into my interests, my passions).

I have wished for something that birthday candles
could not even begin
to scratch the surface of.

If I told you,
perhaps you’d laugh.
An orphan does not have a family,
you would remind me,
as I introduce you to my mother and father,
my brothers and their wives,
the grandmothers and grandfathers,
all the cousins and aunts and uncles.
Poverty does not look like all of this.

(Then,
why did I feel so empty?)

Homelessness does not come
when you have shelter,
a roof over your head.

(But then, explain why
I only found a home
when I found someone who loves me
unconditionally.)

Isabelle Palerma

Eluxoroma: a Follow-up Poem to Lypophrenia

“A term invented by author Gregory Venvonis to describe the devotion to positive spiritual growth amid underlying darkness.”

Though the glimmer might be eradicated
(from time to time),
it is always capable of shining again.
Though it can be hard to see when cloaked
in midnight,
your mind is capable of fabricating untruths
like a ruthless politician or an adversary.

(It’s why we tried to give the enemy
a name –
to make him easier to talk about
then just an abstract concept.)

But the boulder that buries itself
on top of you,
smothering your breathing
and swallowing your light,
is also capable of eroding.

It might feel like centuries have passed you
by,
but just know –
after every winter, we see flowers blossom.

You, too, will blossom again.
I will resurrect from this darkness
and discover my light from within.
(Even if I have to excavate my soul
like some damned archeological dig.)

It’s too easy to surrender,
but we’ll fight through the frost,
push past the sparrows’ wings that beat
furiously
against our bones,
and surmount our devils.

(The ones we have named
and even the anonymous ones
who prefer to cower in the darkest places
inside us.)

Isabelle Palerma

Lypophrenia: a Poem

“A feeling best described as sorrow that has no clear cause.”

We thought by giving him a name,
it couldn’t break me so badly,
but the agony still extinguishes the illumination
within my irises, within my pupils,
within my soul.
There is a darkness deeper than I care to admit,
but I cannot hide from forever.
(My fire has not ignited in days,
yet I cannot hide in bed
and relinquish myself to the shadows
completely.)

I swore to myself
I would not drown in thoughts such as these,
but sometimes,
the devastations are greater than I can control.

It sometimes feels as though
I am caught in a riptide,
the ocean current pulling me away
from everyone who loves me
until all they are is a speck of sand,
a memory.

(My honesty is raw,
my words are plain.
I usually hide behind an ornate metaphor
crafted carefully and I tread with caution –
not to overstep the boundary lines.)

I have picked up the pen several times,
but the ink well is dry
and my thoughts crystallize
like honey thickening as it cools.
Nothing makes sense when the demons
take the reins
& I try to swallow the bile down.

I try to offer a courageous smile,
but I feel weak and collapsing
is the only option I have sometimes.

Don’t judge me for the anguish I carry.
Each one is a sparrow beating its wings
inside my chest,
desperate to be released but finding a home
buried deep in my rib cage
alongside that dimly burning crystal
that is a barely beating heart.

(I cannot swallow
for all the feathers that have climbed
from my chest to my throat,
from my throat to the wet insides of my mouth.)

So, instead, with this inexplicable sadness,
I lie here,
my heart – my sparrows – knocking against my chest
(an unspoken tragedy bearing down on me).

Isabelle Palerma

Image via freepik.com

Serenade to the Dead and the Damned: a Poem

Love is a Ouija board for the lost souls and the damned —
I will not surrender my planchette if it means giving control to the ghosts.
I contain within me a cemetery with anonymous tombstone and nameless crypts.
I thought mausoleums were meant to be quiet & this one is as loud as a burlesque hall.

You are a ghost & I cannot commit to a life
of haunting.

Seances never felt like homecomings but I gave you my last dance – those nights always scented of clove cigarettes and nostalgia heavy like cologne –

I remember watching the moon cut through trees and thought myself a spirit drifting in & out of your life.

Isabelle Palerma

Runner: a Poem

I’m writing absences where
your heart used to lie,
lacunae where stars used to soar.
You were my sanctuary,
& I thought I believed in
forever.

None of this is broken,
but sometimes, parts of me
fracture.

Every time I try to write,
memories of who I was or
who I could be resurrect
like Lazarus from a tomb.

My skin is barely hanging on my body & I have grown frail.
My desires are no longer carnal,
and my rage no longer violent.
(She told me the years would soften me like overripe fruit,
and I denied it like my hard edges
have an advantage.)

Now, here we are at the gates
and Peter interrogates me —
he asks me why I harbored so much hate,
but even if I have forgiven,
I couldn’t be lace and be defined by my empty spaces.

I feel like I’ve ruptured,
and a part of me will never be the same.
I’ve said it before, so maybe I’ll say it again,
a fabulist isn’t always a liar —
sometimes, just a storyteller.

I followed this line until it fractured
and you taught me about the
fault lines I never grew up along.
He asked me if I still smell like
autumn,
and people clamored to say
hazelnut coffee or brittle fall leaves.
I never knew who I was,
only what others saw.

I couldn’t be lace.
I read through the doctor’s notes
and they all diagnosed me the same –

a tired cliché.

This isn’t Plath nor will it ever be,
but the most I can ever ask for
is someone to love me as I am,
to take me into their arms,
and not to simply tolerate –
not to merely accept –
but to cherish, to celebrate,
to worship, & to love.

You gathered all these different parts of me,
all the different eras,
and you saw who I was reflected through each,
and you swore you’d stay
(as long as I didn’t push too hard).

I’ve been pushing people away
for centuries now,
and I’m tired.

This certainly isn’t the poem I started,
but now that you see me clearly,
tell me –
will you be the one to run?