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Heartbreakers: a Short Fiction

“A love story told backwards, starting from the ending.”

trigger warning: begins with a vague implication of suicide.

I don’t know how to tell you this, and maybe it’s better I don’t.

And I know one day, I’d break your heart.

Maybe it’s better I don’t.

I’m lying in a hospital bed, a mixture of medicine and whiskey in my stomach. I’m dying, Fiona.

I used to write you letters after you left me. They weren’t exactly love letters. Well, I’m not sure you ever read them, but they were begging for forgiveness, Fiona. I know I messed up along the way. I see where I screwed up now.

I sent you little photographs I took. I don’t know if you ever looked at them, Fiona, but I took small photos. Random things here & there. Pictures I thought you’d like. The moon. A watch tower. Sometimes, I’d include things I’d find on walks. Bird feathers. Business cards floating around, then stomped on by passing cars.

Anyway. I thought about us a lot before I ended up here in the hospital.

About our story.

The way you slammed the door the last night we were together. The way the stars blinked as I tried to hide my tears when I told you to get out of my house. I watched you leave. You didn’t have a car or a bus pass, but you held your chin high and walked away.

I wonder where you walked to, but you never came back like I thought you would. We had fought one last time. Screamed one last time over some stupid thing. I accused you of cheating. You told me I was stupid and suspicious.

Fiona, you were right. I was stupid and suspicious.

You were too lovely to be mine.

I knew I couldn’t keep you. I was bound to destroy something so beautiful.

I remember the glint in your eye. The hurt look in your green eyes.

A part of me wanted to rush over, to beg forgiveness, but I barrelled on anyway like an idiot, accusing you.

It was just an accusation before I shouted.

But before the accusations, before the shouting, we were in bed together, it was nice. My breath was like cigarettes and whiskey. I hadn’t known it at the time. It was just us holding one another, watching some black-and-white film. Some classic movie you begged me to see. And when I turned to kiss you, you asked me to brush my teeth.

My feelings were too delicate, I guess.

I didn’t know the brutish combination of cigarettes and whiskey.

I could have just brushed them instead of turned into a monster.

But even before the film, there was a girl who loved a boy.

She held him near and whispered away his ghosts – the ones who troubled him like that of his former friends who didn’t understand him or his mother who told him nobody would love him.

And Fiona, I wanted to ask you to marry me one day. I truly did.

And we went out on dates. I took you out and showed you off. You with your lustrous dark hair and beautiful eyes like jade. You whose hair I brushed at bedtime, after making love.

It was backwards and all out of order. I fell in love with you the moment I saw you, but I couldn’t because you were too lovely and I knew one day, you’d break my heart.

Isabelle Palerma

The Ugly Word for Rebecca: a Short Fiction

Ever since I met Rebecca, I vowed to never separate ourselves. To be entwined with her. But to be inextricable to the one you love can be seen as unhealthy, Mother said. So I found times where I’d be away from her. Brief pockets of time.

And yet, even when I was away, I found myself thinking of her. I remember the first moment I first saw her. I was walking down Main Street, and I caught a glimpse of her through the window of the dress shop. I had no excuse to go into a dress shop naturally, but I remember fumbling around and telling Penelope, the dressmaker, something about my mother’s upcoming birthday. I had muttered something about wanting to surprise her with a dress, but the whole time, my eyes were on Rebecca.

She didn’t even look like she belonged there. Her gaze haunted me, and I suppose Penelope noticed the way I stared, my eyes lingering over Rebecca. She chuckled a bit, and then acknowledged my brazen desperation, my lascivious desire. “That’s Rebecca,” Penelope told me at the time, “bring her home if you’d like.” Shaking her head, she added, “The girls these days think wooden mannequins like Rebecca are outdated.”

Mannequin?

What an ugly word for my queen.

I ignored the jab and bought my mother’s dress, the pretense under which I came to see my newfound partner. Once purchased, I scurried out and hastened home.

Of course, Mother turned up her nose at Rebecca. Mother has always been a snob. I supposed Rebecca wasn’t haute couture enough for her, in her simple tea-length dress, but I found her stunning.

Mother and I still lived together, but she often stifled me, tutting at my choice in books or television. Sometimes, turning up her nose in the food I brought home from the grocer.

But now, Rebecca.

I put my foot down. I told her I loved her and I loved Rebecca. That she had to respect our love.

She scoffed but did not reply.

Finally, I heard her mutter something about wooden mannequins under her breath.

There was that ugly word again. Mannequin. Rebecca and I retired to bed early that evening.

I touched her tenderly as we lay in bed. On her back, she stiffened as I murmured, “I noticed you didn’t touch your dinner.”

Reproached by her silence, I kissed her cheek and said good night.

The next morning, I helped Rebecca out of bed. It was cold outside, so neither of us felt like getting up, but we knew we needed to. I brought her tea, but she didn’t drink it. I offered her coffee, but she wouldn’t speak.

Finally, as the three of us sat at the table, Mother suggested I get groceries before the snow started coming down worse.

I looked toward Rebecca, hoping she would join me – or at the very least, acknowledge me going into the snow storm. She punished me with silence. I hugged her tightly before I left.

I whispered to her, “I love you.”

The ensuing silence stung and as I reached the door, I wiped the tears from my eyes as she stared at me blankly. It was as though she had no emotions toward me whatsoever, but I knew that couldn’t be the case.

We’d shared such a connection.

“I’ll be home soon,” I assured her.

Mother rolled her eyes.

***

As I unpacked the brown paper bags from the back of our station wagon, I smelled the smoke. Mother must have found some firewood around back and made a fire.

A part of me was relieved. The warmth would be nice.

I placed the bags on the Formica counters in the kitchen and began to organize the groceries, inhaling the deep woodsy smell as I did. Jars of pickles and blocks of cheese. Deli meat. Loaves of bread. Eggs. Cartons of milk. Everything I could think of.

I didn’t remember anyone dropping off firewood yet this year, it occurred to me, as I was putting the deli meats in the refrigerator. Then, I grabbed a jar of pickles, ready to pack them away until we needed them when I thought to check on my mother and Rebecca. That’s when the thought occurred to me.

The ugly thought.

The one I kept telling myself not to think.

How Penelope told me and my mother told me and how everyone laughed at me because Rebecca was a wooden mannequin.

And in that moment, I remembered without a shadow of a doubt we didn’t have firewood.

But we had an ax and my girlfriend whom my mother despised.

The only thing left when I got to the fireplace was my mother prodding Rebecca’s head deeper into the fire. My beloved’s eyes twinkled from the flames as my mother giggled with glee.

“Turns out,” my mother said, laughing, “your girlfriend is good for something.”

Isabelle Palerma

2023: a Year of Independence

To recap 2023, I moved to Independence, Missouri, in the last few weeks of December 2022 and started the new year with a brand new beginning. I left everything and everyone I knew to try a fresh start.

I lived with a roommate in Independence for a couple of months before we quickly learned how incompatible we were. I had a couple of jobs and worked on my writing.

For a few months, I just kept my nose to the grindstone, job searching, writing, making new friends, and creating art.

All the while, I was dealing with a bully who spread rumors about me and devastated my self esteem, which resulted in me tearing down this website and rebuilding it from scratch.

I let her erode at my self esteem until there was nothing of me left, and I was hospitalized. I was hospitalized twice last year because of my issues with my mental health.

I struggled immensely with being so far from my family and my loved ones, but I found a way – I continued to work hard and got a publishing offer on my debut novel and my poetry chapbook.

I made new friends while living in Kansas City and met a lot of great and memorable people. I experienced a lot of amazing things, whether meeting film directors and actors from genre films who encouraged me to shoot my own movies or going to see an aerial performance in an ice crystal cave.

I met people like the Mormon who wanted to marry me or the girl who took me to expensive lingerie boutiques and went swimming with me long after the pool had closed.

It was a year of ups and downs, but most importantly, it was a year of growth and new experiences.

We’ll see what 2024 holds.

Isabelle Palerma

News!

My poem about my grandmother’s battle with Alzheimer’s is being published in an anthology, Forgotten Fragments of Time, to raise money and awareness about the disease, and I just found out a small press has accepted Catching Dreams, my debut novel!

They want to publish my book. My baby. The one that has been formulating in my mind since I was twelve and having vivid dreams about my grandpa after he died. The book that all began because I kept asking myself, “What if?”

They want to publish it. I never thought I’d be a traditionally published author, but here I am with a contract coming my way.

Isabelle Palerma

The Scent of Loss

The sky is the black of a bruised plum with a cobweb of stars scattered across it. The air no longer smells of stale cigarette smoke nor does it smell of his pungent cologne. It was a cologne kept in a green glass bottle on a high shelf that you sometimes uncorked to marvel at the power of its scent.

The air is empty. It smells of dry, autumnal leaves, and there is a chill. It makes you wish you were at a bonfire or anywhere but here. You are curled up on a reclining chair, wearing your favorite sweatshirt. Inside, there is no fire roaring in the fireplace like usual on a Friday night.

There is no fresh homemade bread baking in the oven. All the grown-ups are outside. Your mother’s eyes are bloodshot from crying. Even your father’s eyes are red-rimmed.

The moment is dark and heavy.

It as though they have forgotten you curled up in your favorite chair. You slip out the garage door past the knot of adults. You plop onto a gigantic geode that sits in the rock garden in the front yard, its many facets shine in the silver of the moon. As you inhale the air, you smell other fires in other people’s fireplaces.

You think of bonfires and candy apples and of Halloween. Halloween is only eight days away. You think of your costume still in its bag slung over your chair in the bedroom. You begin to hate Halloween. The red pencil you are writing with is the only sound as it scratches against the bone-white paper.

You tell yourself you will never forget this feeling, this moment. He is gone, and the world as you know it ceases to exist.

Darkness closes around you, but you do not cry. Though you are only eleven, you are aware of the darkness inside and outside of you. The air is empty.

The night is cold, and you are alone.