Spooky Sunday: Interview with Shane Blackheart

Shane is a disabled non-binary trans author and artist from Ohio. They live with their two cats, and they spend way too much time exploring liminal space voids. They started writing stories at the age of seven and haven’t stopped since.

Having grown up with depression and a panic disorder, writing was often the best way to cope with early symptoms of trauma and agoraphobia. Later having been diagnosed with several mental health conditions, they made it their goal to raise awareness for these diagnoses, as they are often misunderstood.


What is your absolute least favorite horror novel cliché?

“Satanists are evil/violent/the villains of the story.” I can’t stand that because not only is it over-used, it’s punching down to a group of people who aren’t evil to begin with. It’s a tired trope from the Satanic Panic era that we should just all leave behind. I tend to DNF [Do Not Finish] a book when I see it.

If you were locked in a room with your biggest fear, what would you be staring down?

I’d be staring at a big black void because my biggest fear is not knowing, or the unknown and what lurks in it. Death would probably be standing there somewhere.

Where’s the creepiest place you’ve ever been?

Equally creepy and cool, years ago I went to the Mansfield Reformatory in Ohio, which is where they filmed the Shawshank Redemption. They aren’t joking when they say that place is haunted. I stepped into a cell to start taking photos of the second floor rooms, and two brand new sets of batteries drained instantly. On the bottom floor heading toward solitary confinement, my mom and I were the only ones in the room and I kept hearing shuffling footsteps behind me. I got the feeling I was being followed. When I turned around to see if another family was behind us, there was nothing there. I really want to go back to have more experiences.

What do you think it says about people that we like to be scared?

I’m not sure generally, but as someone with an anxiety disorder, it’s a safe way to be scared that I have control over. It’s probably similar to why people like going on roller coasters. When it’s safe it becomes fun, and it makes you feel alive in a way.

Why do you write horror?

To cope with my nightmare disorder. I’ve had chronic nightmares, night terrors, and occasional sleep paralysis episodes since I was an infant, according to my mom, and I’ve carried it into adulthood. I became used to it for the most part, but you never get used to the terrors that stick with you. I have very vivid, sometimes lucid, nightmares that have a definite message or a full or partial coherent narrative. In order to gain control over them and give them a purpose, I turn them into short stories and include some in my longer books. I also just love horror and it’s basically a lifestyle because it’s so close to home.

If you could build a Frankenstein’s monster – a Shane Blackheart monster, I guess – what celebrities would you steal body parts from to make the ultimate creature?

This is a really hard but super cool question. I’d say Johnny Depp’s head, Vincent Price’s brain, and for the rest, I’m not really sure but someone who has a bunch of tattoos because it would make a pretty sweet looking monster, plus it’s just my whole aesthetic at this point. I wish I could be covered in tattoos, if money ever permits.

What would you say is your greatest strength in your writing?

I’ve been told it’s two things: my natural and realistic flow of dialogue between characters, and my unconventional and weird way of storytelling. I don’t really stick to any formulas, and while I understand the writing rules, I set them aside for the most part because I don’t like to hinder my creativity or the honesty of the story I’m writing. My editor says it works well with what I do, so I’ll stick with it.

Share a photo or art of a character inspiration.

I’m an artist myself, and I often draw my own stuff. I can share some art I did of a main character in my current WIP.

When you write an emotionally draining scene, how do you prepare? How do you repair yourself afterwards?

The best way to explain is to bring up a scene I chose to intentionally trigger myself for to write authentically. I put on headphones and turned up a dark ambient album that reminded me of my worst days, and I let the dread just sort of take over as I let the words flow. It was an emotional and intense scene because it had to do with overcoming my worst fears related to trauma, and it drained me big time.

Afterward, I surrounded myself with comfort stuff, like my favorite music, foods, and shows. I gave myself the time to come down from it for a few days. I didn’t really prepare because I’m impatient and just like to get it over with, so the recovery afterward is just as important.

What famous author, living or dead, would you want to be your mentor? Why?

There are a few, but I have to say Anne Rice. Her books were everything to me as a teenager, and growing up, I read more and more of her work. I just admire her mind and how it works, and I feel like I could learn so much from her. She has a lot of advice and videos still up about writing because she loved to help other writers, and one of her messages always kept me going when I felt down about myself and my talents.

She always said that if a story had a burning need to be told, and you really loved it and wanted to tell it, then it deserves to be told and it’s important to get it out there.

How do you feel about banned books? What would be your response if one of your books was banned?

If one of my books was banned, I’d know I did something right. I go out of my way to read wrongfully banned books from the past, and I will continue to do so now. Book banning is dangerous, and it concerns me with what’s happening right now in America. If we’ve learned anything, it’s the books they don’t want you to read that you should be reading the most.

Would you rather be in a room full of snakes or a room full of spiders?

My arachnophobia is so bad, I’d have to say snakes. Hopefully they’ve been fed beforehand.

Share a link to a favorite song or playlist you always listen to when writing.

I make playlists specifically for everything I write, but while I’m writing I can’t have anything with lyrics. My favorite dark ambient album to put on repeat is one that’s been perfect for writing psychological horror: Atrium Carceri and Cities Last Broadcast.

Would you be willing to share a scary scene (no spoilers!) for a book you’re working on now?

Sure! I’m not sure if it’s scary in the usual sense, but it is unsettling.



A dark doorway came into view, and I stepped past its threshold much sooner than I’d realized. Time did not exist there in any way that mattered.

The space grew dark as night washed over it, and a blood moon beamed through from an open balcony at the end of the room. Large open windows that stretched from floor to ceiling lined one of the walls, and red streaks of moonlight painted the floor in slatted patterns.

I approached the balcony and looked out over the expanse of the now red desert. The mountains were closer, but they weren’t stationary.

They began to writhe slowly as if they were exhausted. Human-shaped spirits the size of titans rose from the mountains and sunk back once more, and a distant wailing that grew louder became a droning chant. The titans were in agony, and more joined the desolate cries that surfaced from a Hell they could not escape. I turned to see my void partner backing me against the railing, and beside me stood my shadow man. Around us gathered the cloaked shadow figures in waiting for the intimate ritual to come, and hovering above, the giant eldritch eye reappeared to complete the gathering.


Where can readers find you?

Twitter: https://twitter.com/ShaneBlkheart

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@shaneblackheart

Instagram: https://instagram.com/shaneblackheart

YouTube: https://youtube.com/c/ShaneLestan

Isabelle Palerma

Spooky Sunday: Interview with Donise Sheppard

Welcome to Spooky Sundays. Today, I chose to interview an author, editor, and publisher, Donise Sheppard. I have had a short story, Something Beyond, published by her publishing imprint, Pixie Forest Press. I am honored to get a chance to interview this woman I admire.

Donise Sheppard is a romance and horror writer residing in southern West Virginia with her husband and four children. Donise found her passion for books at an early age and has been chasing stories ever since. She is an author, editor, and co-owner of Pixie Forest Publishing. Love and romance are her first passions, but who can resist a scary story? When she isn’t working, she’s reading for pleasure, baking, or singing off key.


You are both a publisher and a writer. How have you found the two roles influence one another?

I decided I wanted to become a publisher because as a writer, I was seeing more and more unpaid anthologies and it was frustrating. Writers work hard, dedicating hours upon hours for their art. They deserve some form of payment.

Also, I think being a writers makes me more objective when reading and choosing stories. I can set aside what I enjoy as a reader and look at the writing itself.

As a publisher, I choose themes for upcoming anthologies. These themes aren’t always something I’m familiar with writing, which puts me out of my element and makes me a stronger writer.

Your publishing imprint does fantastic anthologies. I was honored to be featured in “Phobia” last year. In honor of spooky season, what’s your biggest fear?

As a parent, my biggest fear is losing my children.

I’m afraid of most things, but my absolute biggest normal fear would be of rats and mice. I can’t even look at a picture of them or I start to panic.

Why do you write?

I’ve loved books and stories since I was six years old. I dreamed of being a publisher in New York and writing on the side. I write for myself as well as others. I am a very emotional person and writing helps me work through them. I also dream of inspiring someone, making them love literature as much as I do, or just giving them an escape from their own lives and emotions.


Are there any “little things that go bump in the night” that keep you awake? Worries, fears? If so, what are they?

I am a worrier. I worry about everything, almost nonstop. I’ve actively been trying to learn to let the little things go, but I’m a work in progress. I constantly worry about failing or finding new readers or just being good enough so I can show my children they don’t have to settle in a job they hate to survive.

I’m that mom who worries about the house burning down while we’re sleeping and I can’t get to my kids, or someone breaking in.

Banned books is a hot topic right now – and one that some authors fear. How would you feel if you received a notification that one (or several) of your anthologies had been banned? What would your response be?

Honestly, I’m not sure. I would definitely think it was a bit odd, but when I think back to some of the content of a few of the stories, mine included, I could understand why they would. I’m not a fan of banning books, though. If a child is reading, they should be allowed to read. It should be up to the parents to decide what is appropriate.

What does your typical day look like? How do you divide your time between writing, editing, and publishing?

Well, I’m not sure if you know this, but I’ve recently enrolled in college to get my bachelor’s degree, so my schedule looks a lot different this year than it did last year. I usually dedicate about two hours a day to my publishing company (right now I’m hunting for images for the Scars cover), and about two hours for my own work, whether editing or writing. Editing for clients takes precedent, right after schoolwork, and I usually spend three to six hours a day on that, depending on the length and deadline.

Where do you get most of your writing done?

I have three desks, but I usually sit at my kitchen table to work. I like the lighting in there better, and it’s closer to the coffee pot. 😉

In the summer, I love to write by the lake.

If you could have dinner with any person who has influenced your career, who would it be, why, and what would you be eating?

Honestly, my mom, grandma, and dad influenced my career the most. My mom and grandma were storytellers and always encouraged me. And my dad was my biggest supporter in everything I did.

If I chose a professional author who influenced my career, it would be RL Stine. He was my very first favorite writer and made me love spooky stories. I’m not sure what we’d eat. I’d just be happy having coffee with him and chatting about stories.

What projects are you currently working on?

I am currently editing a dystopian romance novel I wrote a couple of years ago, hoping to publish it in January. I’m also writing a romance novel with no set date for publication. I have four novels written and waiting for editing, so hopefully next year you’ll be seeing a lot of me.

Where can readers find you?

Personal Website: www.donisesheppard.com

Twitter: www.twitter.com/donisesheppard 

Instagram: www.instagram.com/donisesheppard

Facebook: www.facebook.com/authordonisesheppard 

Isabelle Palerma

Spooky Sundays: Interview With Patricia Stover

For the next few Sundays, I will be interviewing horror authors to celebrate my favorite holiday – Halloween. My first interview is with the author, Patricia Stover.

Patricia Stover is a Horror author from southern Oklahoma. Her works have been published with Scout Media Books and Music, The Horror Zine,  and in the anthology Café Macabre II. Her work ranges anywhere from short stories to novelettes and poetry. As an 80s kid, Stover was raised on horror. She spent late nights watching horror movies and series like Goosebumps, Tales from The Crypt, A Nightmare on Elm Street, anything with Elvira or Vincent Price and basically every cheesy 80s horror flick ever made. You can find her work at www.patriciastover.com or you can follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/authorjkenedy


I am not a horror author. I’ve only written a couple of pieces that could be considered horror, so I have to know – what scares you? What genuinely terrifies you?

In all honesty, a lot of things. This is why I write horror. There is no one answer. Especially with the past couple of years we’ve had. I’ve learned so much about the people around me. I think that thinking you know someone and then finding out that they aren’t who you really thought they are, that is really scary. People are scary. The way we treat each other is terrifying. Oh, and spiders. Screw those guys.

Who are some of your favorite horror directors?

You know what? I should probably pay better attention to what directors that I like. But I am not much of a snob when it comes to horror movies. This is a bit embarrassing to say, but I grew up in the 80s and I absolutely adore cheesy horror. I love slasher films and I love Y.A. horror films like Monster Squad. I have the DVD and I rewatch it and my Elvira Mistress of the Dark movie, over and over. I love The Lost Boys and Halloween. But some of the newer things I have enjoyed, some shows and movies – Midnight Mass. Boy, did that resonate with me. Growing up in a small town, that really hits home. I don’t get time to watch horror movies like I’d like because nobody else in my house likes them. So I have to sort of isolate myself to watch them.

Do you listen to music as you write? If so, what artists/genre of music and how does it influence your writing? If not, does the silence ever scare you since you write horror?

You know, I have a hard time with distraction. I like my silence. But I have never really tried writing to music. I might give it a try some time though. Who knows? Maybe it will inspire me.

Who are some of your greatest influences, and what about them influences you to write in the direction you write?

Growing up, I read a lot of King and Stine. You can definitely see that in some of my works. I love to write young characters. I think they are the most fun. Kids are so honest and brave compared to adult characters. But I always loved King for his complex characters. Each time I start a story, I try to start with the character. I think if I can write a deep character that people can really relate to, one that is not perfect, that has their flaws, that is what gets readers hooked. Because we all have our flaws. We are imperfect and we want to know that other people are too. We want to feel less alone in this crazy world. That is what books give us. Not just something to entertain us, but characters who help us feel less alone. 

We are imperfect, and we want to know that other people are too. We want to feel less alone in this crazy world. That is what books give us.”

Patricia Stover, Horror author

 Paperback, hardback, or eBook?

Paperback or hardback. I don’t have a kindle or tablet or whatever. I grew up in the pre-internet era. I remember when computers first started to be a thing. Cellphones were the size of bricks and if you had a car-phone you must be rich. Plus, there is nothing like the feel of a vintage paperback in your hands. I love the old covers.

What got you into writing horror? How were you sucked into this macabre world?

I’ve always loved horror. I started watching horror way before I was even old enough to be watching it. I grew up watching Tales From the Crypt late at night and old VHS tapes like Night of the Living Dead and A Nightmare on Elm Street at my grandparents’ house with my cousins. I would be absolutely terrified, covering my eyes at the scary parts, then begging my parents to sleep with them.

But I always came back for more. It was that thrill of being frightened, I guess. As for the writing part, I didn’t discover my talent for writing prose until college. I dabbled a bit with poetry and such in school, but I never really tried writing stories until college.

I was in my mid twenties and had taken my first creative writing course. My teacher was this quirky woman with loud outfits who encouraged me in my writing. I’ll always be thankful to her for that. I knew when she assigned a two page screenplay and I was like seven pages in and still not even near finished. I just knew I was meant to do this writing thing. I loved it. The thrill of inventing characters and creating the stories that had always been living inside my head. I had always had a wild imagination.

I daydreamed a lot as a child. But I had never known what to do with it. I just thought I was weird. So, I never told anybody about the daydreams and went on about life. It was amazing to finally find a blank page to put these dreams on. I don’t know why it had never occurred to me to write them down before that moment. Growing up, my school never really encouraged the arts. It was a small town and everything revolved around football and other sports.

How do your family and friends react to things you write?

I think my mom is proud, no matter what I do. But with everyone else, we don’t really talk about it. My son likes it though. Every time I order a book and it comes in the mail, he’ll ask, “Are you in that one too?” If I say no, he gets this disappointed look on his face. It’s too cute. I love that he is my biggest supporter.

Isabelle Palerma

Poet Spotlight on: William Goldspiel

William Goldspiel is a poet by passion; though few of his works have seen the public eye, he has been writing since he could hold a pen in his hands. As a young child, he wrote a page a day in his book after school. He is in the process of rewriting his current works.

William’s style can be considered unconventional at first glance, but when you read more of his poetry, you begin to understand his rhythm and cadence. He can have a polarizing presence – in fact, when I first talked to William, he infuriated me because of a purposefully poorly written poem. Little did I know, it was purposeful, and he is actually a very talented, if sometimes obscure, poet. His poems remind me a bit of e.e. cummings, in the vein that I have to reread them often to fully understand them.


I know it’s a cliché, but what inspires your poems? How do you know what direction you want them to go in?

Most often, I find myself hit by a line or a series of words, an image, or a concept from out of nowhere. Often, it comes out in a long first draft, though sometimes it starts and stops for a while (years) as I work out what they mean.  Generally, what inspires my poems is the same thing that inspires all the forgotten notes files on my PC. There’s not really a rhyme or reason as to why something works or not. 

Where I intend to take a poem and where it goes depend on the poem really. I remember while writing B. Solid/Liquid/Gas I had to hit three different story beats, but the beats themselves came as I was writing them.  I would say that I mostly find the direction when I’m there. 

A lot of poets seem to think that because poetry is a form of self-expression, it should not be edited; otherwise, it censors the poets’ intention or somehow convolutes the message. As a poet who clearly puts effort into his work, what are your thoughts on this?

When I was a kid, I didn’t know how to edit.  So I just wrote and when it was done, it was done.  When I learned to really go back and fix my writing is when I became a better writer, and it’s the part I stress to anyone starting out. [Emphasis my own, not William’s.] It’s why simple things like a spell check can make such a huge difference in the quality of your (and not you’re) writing. 

What do you do when you feel blocked? What are some of your favorite subjects to write about? Least favorite?

Distraction is basically all you’ve got. Back when I was routinely productive, I would take breaks between writing to play Civilization.  I actually wrote a book that way. 

I have a core group of people who have followed me from story to story, so no matter if my book takes place in 1980s Colorado or after the sun has gone nova in an extire galaxy away it will probably be about how they would respond to the situations.  I also like writing indecipherable metaphors, a unified theory of everything, the words “you” “fuck” and sometimes “duck”, and nonsense.  I dislike actually doing any writing at all, as it’s not only emotionally and mentally taxing, but I never have any idea if I’m doing it right. 

We’ve discussed how you use George Carlin as an inspiration for titles. What poets, lyricists, comedians, etc. inspire your poetry? What do you take away from each of them?

I got the idea for the structure of matingsong [William’s in-progress poetry book] from misremembering a Kafka story that completely slips my mind at the moment.  He (or the translation) used indentation to great effect in the story and it created the B, etc. [William’s structuring device in his poetry book.]

Here’s the place where I admit that I haven’t read any poetry and everyone outs me as a fraud.  I do enjoy Vonnegut, Bradbury, King, Kafka, and Douglas Adams. 

Despite the fact that I name-dropped them in a title, I’m not inspired by Daft Punk. 

What’s the most difficult thing about being a poet?

Trying to force it when it isn’t there.  Especially when you have something and then it stops.  You like what you’ve got going and now it’s just not there any more.  Then you push and make it work and you question if anything you’ve ever written has ever been good. 

Why do you write poetry?

When I get that thought, that image, it’s something that I want to make real. 

What emotions elicit the best poems in you?

Longing.  Plummeting, pit in your stomach rising, endless falling.  Not hopeless, but certainly about to crash.  Also, Sardonic glee.  Triumphant wonder.  Peevishness. Love. 


B. Snowfall
Frost clings to your eyelashes sending diamond rays across your sight. You’re the ideal vision of a makeup advertisement
1)A perfection untouchable
a)even if they’re using the brand the makeup is still applied by artists and you can never hope to achieve the effect at home
b)much too beautiful for the average person to ever hope to attain
and that’s only starting with your eyes. I’m in wonder at your hair, something that can pool underneath your lying form to create a black canvas that hides all manner of linen; strung tight coiled rope down and up your back, into your hands, nervously fidgeting with icicles on clinging strands. It’s like a slowly moving snap fan, with seamless transition.
You stand on a fire exit, broad enough to turn into a porch. Are you smoking? I don’t know. It’s cold enough out that your breath mists around you anyway. You’re leaning on a railing overlooking the entrances to a few lower built buildings yet still high enough to see most of the city.
1)Why are you always up high? I’m terrified of heights.
I wish you would move so I could describe your motion. It’s melted metal flowing into place with mechanical precision. There’s the smoothness the liquid perfection, with this robotic touch that gives every motion a feeling of finality to it. When you fly you’re a rag doll tossed around by those behemoths in your back, if you let go of your iron will your limbs jerk with each metal wing beat.
– William Goldspiel

Isabelle Palerma

Poet Spotlight on: Sakshi Narula

Sakshi Narula is a poet, author and an artist from India who lives in Muscat, Oman. She is the author of four poetry collections and also a spoken word artist. Her words center around love, loss, healing, grief and femininity. Some of her poems have been featured in the Survival Anthology by Magesoul Publishing, From One Line Anthology, Book One by Kobayaashi Studios and in Yellow by Yellow Penguin NYC.

I have been reading Sakshi’s poetry for a couple of years now, and she is incredibly gifted. Her poetry is the kind you can find yourself immersed in for hours and not even notice the passing of time. It surpasses the standard of contemporary poetry and should be recognized for its unique and profound style.


Sakshi, your poetry book is unlike any I’ve seen before, and your poems are so refreshingly different from a lot of what we see on social media. Where do you get your inspiration? Have you ever been compared to any other poets? If so, who? If not, who are some of your favorite poets and why?

I have been through a lot of ups and downs like any other person. My writing is a reflection of the things that happened in my life in some form or another. Music and books have always been my steady companions and have inspired a lot of my work too. Yes, I have been compared to a lot of poets in certain reviews purely because I write love poetry and poetry that centers around loss and heartbreak. It would be really boastful of me to state their names so I am going to refrain from doing that, but it has been rather overwhelming and flattering. To answer your last question, my favorite poets are Ada Limon, Andrea Gibson, Sharon Olds, Pablo Neruda, Wendy Cope, Leonard Cohen, to name a few.

When did you begin writing poetry and what was the process like?

I started writing poetry seriously around five years ago. I used to be a blogger and used to ghost write articles before that. It was really surprising to me how organic the process of poetry writing was for me. It was like being in a second skin, like I was meant to do this. I always say poetry found me and helped me heal when I needed it the most. It almost always would start with a line and I would spend hours building and rebuilding a poem obsessively. There are days I would be surprised at how I even ended up writing something that I actually liked reading. In that sense, it has helped me realise that this is a gift, that it has the power to comfort another and I need to use that gift in the best possible way. 

How important is revising to you and your writing? Which pieces end up needing the most revisions? Why?

It is extremely important. I think to add layers to your poems, you need to be meticulous with editing and revising. That is what separates a good poet from a great poet. For me, it is going through every line and every word to make sure it is essential to the poem as a whole. Most pieces that are long form and usually poems that I use for spoken word require the most revisions. There needs to be a flow, a rhythm, the ebbs and the flows, the crescendo in the end, a punch in the gut, a feeling that remains with the reader, that takes the most effort.

What subjects are absolutely off-limits to write about?

I don’t write about mental health. I did try, but it takes a lot out of me to write about my struggle with depression and anxiety. I don’t write about certain aspects of my life because it brings a lot of things to surface.

What is your favorite poem? (Of another poet’s? Of your own?)

My favorite poem by me is 41 , A Love Poem To Me. Of another poet… True Love by Sharon Olds, Maybe I Need You by Andrea Gibson

You ask fascinating questions on social media – ones that challenge your readers and fellow authors/poets to think outside of the box. How important do you think it is to think outside of the box as a poet? Do you ever use your fans’ answers as a jumping off point for a poem? If so, what question was it that inspired the poem?

Never really used any answers from Twitter for a poem, but they definitely make for great conversations. It has been fun interacting with writers  and readers from all walks of life and countries. It’s beautiful how art and writing  connects us all on a very basic human level. More than thinking outside the box, I feel a poet needs to own their voice. Writing to fit a mould on social media or to be able to sell more books can rob one of their authenticity. 

Do you have any writing rituals? What are they?

Not really. I haven’t been writing much after I wrote House Of Stars And Flowers On Mars. Maybe it is just a phase. I write when the words find me. I do keep making notes during day if a beautiful line or idea for a poem comes up in my head. When I am writing I do keep going through those ideas.

I know some poets require complete silence when they write, others want ambient noise, and there are some who write to music. What kinds of sounds do you find it easiest to write to? Or none at all?

I enjoy writing with music in the background. I just can’t write with people talking continuously around me. I have my own writing playlists and I play them and write. 

What is something you’re afraid of?

I am afraid of losing the people I love and I think that is pretty universal. As a writer I am afraid of not ever having one shining moment with my poetry. But that is what keeps me working on my craft. I just think the only way I won’t accomplish anything is by giving up and I am pretty strong-willed not to give poetry or my ambitions up. 

Why do you write poetry?

I started writing because I was in pain and poetry was my safe place, a way to turn that pain into art, a creative release. Now I write because I want to be understood, to be heard and I want to make sense of this world we live in. I always believe there is a poet for everyone, there is a poem in the world that can understand and comfort you, no matter what you may be going through. Poetry is for everyone. So I write because someone may find their comfort in my words and feel seen and not feel stupid for feeling something. Even if there is one person who doesn’t feel alone after reading a poem of mine or my book, then I think it’s important for me to continue writing. 

Where can readers find you?

http://twitter.com/mssakshinarula

https://www.instagram.com/mssakshinarula/

https://sakshinarula.com/


41: A LOVE POEM TO ME…

41, I tear open a song like it’s a gift,
a birthday present from Lana, Morrison or Lennon
I dig their hearts out
from the graves in their words,
soothe the scars, 41 scars on mine
and sing it out loud, with a mouthful of wine
Blink once and I was 10 and blink twice and I’m 41
41, I think, maybe ten years or 14 more to go,
I bought a boxful of watercolors
and I haven’t learned how to make
watercolor paintings yet.
I have a book about kitchen gardening
and don’t know what needs to be planted yet.
Blessed kitchen garden.
Blessed kitchen, blessed garden, blessed home.
Yes, I have been blessed with love,
knock the wind out of me love,
my body hurts, soaked to the bone love.
Blessed with a lover,
the man of my dreams and angel baby souls,
2 playing in the backyard
and 2 in heaven at the end of the rainbow.
They grow, they smile, they laugh, they glow
and they keep me alive,
away from the darkness and never let me go.
But my nightmares are made of the mountain of dishes
in the kitchen’s unholy sink,
no friends to cherish, no friends to ring.
I turn a blind eye like they don’t exist
and think about strawberries and tomatillos,
and rosemary and habaneros,
the bath salts and the collagen I need,
about the dark chocolate cake,
the beautiful shoulder of lamb in the fridge,
and the crimson sunset today at 41 at my feet.
Yes, I have nowhere to go, nowhere to be
I mute everything, the phone, the world, the
unkempt hair and organic white sheets.
For I will not be as young as I am today,
as pretty as I am today,
as unashamed and unapologetic than I have ever been.
I built a home of poems and a kiln of all the stars in
my heart,
a home in the middle of wheat fields
41 bricks on the fireplace for 41 poets
who kept me warm on the nights I weeped.
What would Bukowski say about my poems I wonder?
Am I a comfortable poet or someone from the street?
I write my story like it’s everyone’s story,
and everyone’s in it, sonder!
41, Sonder is my favorite word from The Dictionary of
Obscure Sorrows, from any dictionary ever.
41, I reflect on the triumphs of all my yesterdays and
the ones to happen tomorrow.
Let me be your woman on love’s landscape,
the slow burn of a song on a cold night,
the blurring bokeh of city lights.
Let me fix your ribs like I fixed mine,
life broke us all differently but broke it did
And so, I poet at 41,
I send you a verse dipped in the smell of rain on a hot
summer day,
dipped in love from my brave undying heart,
and light from a thousand burning dreams in my eyes.
41, smug, the coffee and I are so hot I laugh
I resist, I fight,
I switch on the table lamp and write.

-Sakshi Narula

Isabelle Palerma